and so it goes

on & by forever

being here

or there

among the same

stuck in orbit

flying far

terse

to end

up to date

with the chronicles of his loneliness

felt the bitterness in his voice, the loss of the gentle love

read the harshness of his frustration

these are things that i wanted, right?

Most Updated Fears

1. deep ocean - being stranded, or sent down into it

2. finding a head in the toilet

3. dogs

4. food poisoning

5. corporate sponsorships

6. senility

7a. not knowing who the father is

b. knowing who the father is and regretting everything

c. finding myself in that situation in the first place.

8. run ins with people from the past

9. my cat dying - ever.

10. large people

dark lights reign sky

rise

i rise slowly

in black & white the greys.

emerge from the dark brick tunnel...

out of blacknesss

the heavy fog

rise through the mist with wet breath.

silhouette of tendrils uncoiling out

the air hung with a distant echo melody in the wood.

cradled by the web of grey

spilling out

a vapour dream

flashes of fire sudden for fire flies flash by fir trees.

burst of orange bliss

a dandelion queen explodes into the storm cloud

the earth is soaked

and the roots are thriving

dew drops

on

cobwebs

inhale the land...

this misty morning

she sings to me again.

never dreamed you'd leave in summer

had been hoping

that these coal eyes

would one day

shine like diamonds.

morning sunshine spills into palm

waking up from strange dreams...

rolling around in a fever-state

beat the alarm again.

maybe it was the sunshine seeping inwards

limbs shaken into the day.

blessed by the rev. jim jones.

yeh

thanks.

outside, the purple lilacs call

whose petal drip

a honey dew

beaconed further

in.

closer

at once

the intoxicating rift of ambrosia connected

to my thoughts

drunk off bee's legs , the bunch on branch whose own weight folds them down.

deeper then.

sickly sweet , a turbine in my mind, flailing electrons bewailing.

in awe i stare

at the beauty of the flowers

who will overipe themselves to death

crumple lavender bones to dust or dirt and earth

to seep into stone

or

float

along

alone.

sad & alone

isolated.

never to wake up with that tender touch

or steal a passionate glance

no body

to

share

this.

too much chili

overcast

there i am, cast under the floor. subterfuge, cavern belly of the beast.

swimming in thoughts. the recollections make me recoil like a millipede.

i take a break from cutting.

prop my body up onto the table, legs dangling clumsily.

i feel muscles relax. stale air released at a microscopic level between my cells. the ambient noises envelope my universe. incandescent lightbulb buzzing, furnance blaring, streetcars zooming by. it's here and at this moment , that i feel like my father. when i catch him staring beyond anything in front of him, blinking slowly. a sad, half-smile ... helpless. realizing the effects of his decisions in life- only now. yea, helpless.

if just for a moment.

my blood is stagnant. filled with dying embers of city oxygen. i become aware of every breath i take, and it morphs into an effort. the skeletal muscle craves. i breathe. life goes on.

the anxiety that bloated my guts yesterday have gently cascaded into a fuzzy slime lining. i wish i were lying on a knoll of sweet grass. staring into the cotton clouds. finding that river to puke into. leakage.

gross.

i have set up some personal goals.

1. eat foodstuffs with as few ingredients as possible

2. paint

3. rap in front of 200 people

4. 10 full pushups

5. love my cat more.

6. finish reading a book

7. learn more about the black panthers

8. grow more armpit hair

9. save up for a camera

10. watch more TED talks

end.